love this beautiful oil painting by my dear friend Brian Close
I initially thought I wouldn’t share this personal news with my followers, but as I started thinking about, it I realized that you all have become a part of my extended family and as i’m already an open book, I may as well not stop now.
So, I have recently received the heartbreaking news that my beloved Father, has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It’s been overwhelming for me to handle. Every day is a new shade of grey with a new set of emotions to tackle..But I am SO blessed with the most loving family & most incredible mom who are all fighting to bring him back to health despite the odds. Nothing but a miracle, but I believe in miracles and the power of God, Love, the strength of the human spirit and the incredible gifts that nature and research has provided us for healing.
I have now joined the cancer community and even after 2 wks of endless research, hours and hours of reading testimonials, hearing unbelievable recovery stories etc, I’m committed to being a part of this network and doing whatever I can to share in this struggle with my dad and everyone affected by this horrific disease.
Somehow, I have also been finding myself impressed with a profound amount of gratitude for the things great and small that i’ve so often taken for granted. I’ve spent a lot of time, over the last few years especially, fighting off the moans of creative frustration, HEARTBREAK, depression, anxiety, day to day dramas, music business nonsense, and whatever else can be fueled by too much attention and spiritual unrest. BUT, as I sit here now in an impending darkness far greater than all those emotions combined, I’m humbled by defeat and forced to open my eyes and heart. For every moment that I have hope and health and love and family and friends and air and lights, food, bottled fucking water, rain on my window, a bed, a record deal, a band, songs, a voice, 10 fingers 10 toes, hands, strength and music and art and WILL and beautiful people who actually listen to what I make, for every glimmer of everything and so much more….I am truly THANKFUL. You just never know when something could be taken away.
Please keep my precious Dad in your thoughts and prayers. He is the purest, kindest and most honorable human being I’ve ever known. Somehow I got lucky enough to be his daughter.
candle lit for him at Notre Dame. thank you Thomas :) http://www.klovermode.blogspot.com/
I’ve been thinking about time
Being dead living
What if I’m the lock &
you’re the key what if we don’t find those places because we don’t believe they’re there and why do I always dream of water bringing the world to the end?
It’s all an attempt to stay safe. I never was a dare devil except when I got dressed as a teenager. Sometimes I walk the line of knowing so balanced and clear. In those moments I see you as I always have but I can’t say if you will ever be you or just another version of me. my mind is so rugged it puts me to sleep and pain is a welcome reminder that I still got chances.
I watch it all in fast forward and birth and death happen simultaneously. I watch it all in slow motion nostalgia like the rest of the whole goddam collective mind universe but the only reason I even give a shit or care to advance is cus it hurts so much to be alone in confusion and the possibilities of answers hanging out with me, really do keep me coasting, boasting my discoveries. Safety and sustenance. well I’m off topic now (whatever that is) but the point is (whatever that is) that I don’t want to create you and shade in scratch out go blind only to realize you’re scattered across an endless sea and I’m just clocking another vacant stare. God knows i’ve had my fill for a lifetime. This place crowns the emptiest of heads because we wanna keep looking at shiny things…wanna pay out for the basics. strip down without taking off. But sometimes it’s just dumb & I don’t know when its the right moment to jump. When I was a kid I said I wanted to be left under a tree when I died. I just wanted the open air to lick me into the past. I guess I live that way sometimes and it really breaks my heart.
I attach myself to these signs you see…. flashes of light that come & go like cries for rescue & recognition and leave me to twist in the sticky net of opposites, dreams & fuckloads of pride.
Well it’s never free
It’s never really understood
It’s always 4am
It’s always your move
It’s always time for a pill
man, I just wanna make out so bad